The Weighting Room Podcast
The Weighting Room Podcast
FGT 57: Back After A Long Pause
The mic comes back on and we don’t ease in—we tell the truth. A cosy Christmas village spins in the background while we unpack a year that bent our capacity, stalled our schedule, and still pushed us toward braver choices. We decide to keep the show alive with a slower cadence, not out of defeat, but because sustainability is a skill worth practising.
The heart of the conversation is a major health update: approval into a bariatric surgery program with a likely date within the next year. We dig into the fear that rides shotgun—fear of death, fear of change, fear of lifelong rules—and the hope that keeps us moving. This isn’t an easy way out; it’s a structured, demanding path with supplements, labs, hydration, and habits that compound over time. Alongside that comes the messy reality of weight stigma and access: Saxenda costs spike, insurance falls short, a switch to Wegovy helps, and Vyvanse quiets binge urges and ADHD‑fuelled food noise in surprising ways.
We also name what many avoid. Borderline personality disorder shows up as people pleasing, conflict avoidance, and a fragile sense of self. Therapy helps and sometimes hurts; progress isn’t linear. We talk about stepping back from social media for mental health, planning to document the bariatric journey on YouTube with safer comment boundaries, and finding small joys—sourdough starters, cranberry‑brie pull‑apart bread, and a child’s sticky‑sweet cameo—that make the hard days softer. There’s a candid story about foot pain, a podiatrist’s nod that stings, and a physio’s reframing that reminds us weight can be a factor without being the whole story.
If you’ve felt unseen by healthcare, wrestled with food noise, or needed permission to slow down without giving up, this one’s for you. Listen, share with a friend who needs a compassionate nudge, and leave a rating or review so more people can find these conversations. Subscribe to catch the bariatric prep series and our year‑end wrap as we rebuild a kinder rhythm together.
Do you have a story you would like to share? Send it to us at theweightingroompc@gmail.com
Disclaimer: We are not Medical professionals and all views and opinions are our own.
I do not know.
SPEAKER_00:Is it is everybody okay through this? Is mine mine's the right one? Cool. But I've tell me in a while without telling me it's a while a while. Yeah, it sounds really good.
SPEAKER_02:Like I I don't know when the last time it was recorded. I don't even think it matters at this point because like life's probably different from then everything just feels like it's changing. I don't know. For me, it just everything feels like it's changing. And I don't even know what we last talked about. And I'm sorry to everyone. I'm so sorry that I might sound like a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like when was the last thing posted? Like May?
SPEAKER_02:Are we are we having a delay? Because you froze and then it's you started talking during me, and I don't know if you meant to.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I don't know, to be honest. If I meant to or not. I think it was my brain is like half on and half not right now. Um the waiting room. Our last post was on oh, August 24th. So not as bad as I thought it was.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I and honestly, that's around the time that I went off work and I'm still off work.
SPEAKER_00:April, June, July. Actually, nothing in June. April, one in July, three in August, and now here we are.
SPEAKER_02:Which you'd think that like having time off work would make me open to um being available, but no, my brain wasn't available. My mental health sucks.
SPEAKER_00:So that's fine. Valid. Totally valid.
SPEAKER_02:And as I was just telling Lisa, I literally just got out of therapy, and I think I have to start rescheduling it because coming into here after therapy is too hard. And sometimes I've had to cancel on Lisa. And now today I actually had a big meltdown during therapy and left it. So it's like, okay, no, I cannot cancel on Lisa. I have to go to this.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I love your train set behind you.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so that makes me so happy.
SPEAKER_02:So it's a whole thing. Like it's a little village with two people here, a train that goes around, and then here there's two ice skaters, then a tree that turns around, and another house on top. My cousin and you guys aren't seeing this.
SPEAKER_00:It's like three tiers big of this like little Christmas village.
SPEAKER_02:It's adorable. It's honestly the coolest thing I've ever owned. And I so the way that it went is Myrtle and Shannon, they're like my life, and they knew that I've always been obsessed with my aunt, my eldest aunt, um, with her uh Christmas setup. Like every time we used to go into their house, it was this big two tables long Christmas village, ice skating rink. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. Little mini miniature village, of course. That's what we're talking about here. Since this isn't visual miniature village. And I've always wanted one and I didn't know where to start. So then they uh bought that for me the other day when we were at the Christmas store, and they were like, that's where you can start. And I was like, Yay! That's my mom did get me, well, not give me, like she gifted me these two uh last year because she didn't want them anymore. They're of a different style, like it's not like they're painted on pictures and whatnot. Uh, but look, and I even wrapped up some of my books. I'm trying to be all Christmassy in me on.
SPEAKER_00:So cute. Did you see Michaels has um, you know how they did like the Halloween village things that you can paint? They have a Christmas village one now.
SPEAKER_02:No way that you can paint.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I was also seeing a video recently of um Michael's emo Christmas, and it was it's like all black decor.
SPEAKER_00:That style wasn't at the Michaels when I was there the last time, and we went to the one that was like the town next to us, which is usually the better Michaels. And they had a whole bunch of Christmas stuff out, but none of the like black Christmas stuff.
SPEAKER_02:Maybe it's one of those TikToks where people, oh Harper.
SPEAKER_00:You wanna say hi?
SPEAKER_02:Hi, Harper. Did you just get done with dinner?
SPEAKER_00:What did you eat for dinner? You wanna say hi? No. You got Cheetos all over your face? I miss you. Yeah. Was it good? Yeah, what kind of ice cream?
SPEAKER_02:Was it strawberry? Was it raspberry? It looks like something delicious on your face.
SPEAKER_01:You telling Chris, it was Christmas ice cream.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, what flavor was it? Wow. Right in my ear. Are you going to the potty now? No, you're sitting here. I miss you, Harper.
SPEAKER_02:She's so cute. Are you going to bed soon? Yeah? Me too. It's bedtime.
SPEAKER_00:Me three. Oh, you're three. Yes, you are three. Okay, say bye to Aunt Chris. And then say bye to everybody at home. So say bye, everybody.
SPEAKER_01:We gotta go by you. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Bye, honey bun.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, what are you trying to do? Make me cry after therapy now? Like, geez, trying to tug on the hard strings.
SPEAKER_00:She's so big, like headphones? Uh some of it I had to read your lips, but then other things I could hear. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I was trying to make her say anything, so I'm like, what'd you do? And then I cut her off at one point. I was like, no, she was about to talk.
SPEAKER_00:That's she it didn't seem like it here, but she talks all the time. She loves talking.
SPEAKER_02:Just oh, I can vouch for that because in the background, if I try and call Lisa, that's it's kind of hard to call Lisa.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, yes, it is. It is like I I'll go on a call with uh a couple friends that I do like a book club with, and I will literally lock myself in the bathroom because it's the only room that we have locks.
SPEAKER_02:That's so funny.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Um, what were we talking about? We were talking about Christmas and mental health.
SPEAKER_02:Uh yeah, we were talking about the fact that we've stopped the podcast for so long. Uh and I don't know if you wanted to talk about this, but we were discussing this recently about the podcast because we were like, maybe it's time to wrap a tiny little bow on it. It is Christmas time. Maybe we can just wrap it all up. But I have big things coming up next year. Lisa is always having big things come up. I'm just I think I think that we just well, not think, we decided that we really do want to continue with this. I just we do hate the fact that we don't get to record like as much, but Lisa and I are trying to put a specific day to the side to try and make this happen a little bit more regularly regularly. Regularly. Why does that voice sound wrong?
SPEAKER_00:But it's probably not gonna be a weekly thing, it's probably gonna be like an every other week thing, which is still more than what you got from us this year, so yeah, because also like who has that much to update within a week?
SPEAKER_02:I mean, I'm not going on big adventures, you know. I'm sitting at home trying to save money, which I yeah, not with Amazon, but yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And time, like time is just it's gone, it's non-existent.
SPEAKER_02:And I do have a lot on my plate coming up for this year because I mean, I'm just gonna go ahead and announce it. I don't think I have, but I have been approved to go into the Richmond bariatric surgery uh program. And that means that as long as everything goes well, and I have been sticking everything because I've been part of another clinic for so long, that as long as I pass through everything, I could have surgery anywhere from six to possibly the longest 12 months, but they said it most likely will be the sooner. Uh, I'm so worried about it. I have lots of fears. I'm I'm fearful of death. I'm fearful, like I can finally relate to Lisa, I think for a moment. Because I'm like, yeah, I'm I'm fearful of death. I'm fearful of the future. I have extensively read through everything you cannot do after and all the things you have to do to maintain after. And it is, I'm I'm you know what? Like, I'm worried because I feel like if I can't do these things naturally, how am I gonna be able to do this course? Like, not course the rest of my life with this. It's not an easy way out. And I know that, I've already known that. I'm saying it to the people out there that don't know that. It is so hard. Like the things that you have to keep up with, not even just medication-wise, like you can't absorb all the nutrients that you normally could absorb through food, and you have to take like pills, but at specific different times throughout the day, because you can't take them all at once, so they won't all absorb and it it's overwhelming. Like, and I already knew most of these things, but now it's like official and now it's like sinking in. I'm like, oh my god, I'm in panic mode now. So, anyway, that's what you're gonna be hearing a lot of for the next year.
SPEAKER_00:No, I'm excited for it because we know a lot, like we know a lot on it because we've just been in the weight loss community for so long on social media. So, like, we've seen what other people have posted about. We talk to people about their stories, but Ken was a part of the podcast for how long, but for one of us to be going through it at the time of it, I I find it exciting, but I'm also not the one who's having the surgery.
SPEAKER_02:So I understand. Yeah, very overwhelming, but like I I do love uh that having the community that we do, like we we're all we already had people in the bariatric community that were part of, you know, like people that we talk to and discuss things with. So it it it it does make it feel a little bit better because I see them living their lives, but also uh I don't see them living their lives all the time, so I don't know like exactly you know what their lives are like. I I want someone just 24-hour camera on you that I can watch throughout the day so I know what is happening. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. If my if my uncle can do it, I feel like I can do it. And I and I know some people hate those kind of statements. I don't because I've said to people before, if you want to look at me and say if I can do it, then so can you. Fuck if that motivates you to it, don't bother me. Yeah, yeah. Um as long as you're not saying it in a disgusting way.
SPEAKER_00:No, no, and you know that some people are where they're just like, well, if they can do it, then I yeah, exactly. It's just like don't be that person.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly. It's all in the tone.
SPEAKER_00:Um honestly, what? I was gonna talk about me anyways. I was gonna say I don't have that big of an update, except I guess I kind of do, because um, I'm no longer taking Saxenda. I stopped taking Saxenda about a month ago, maybe a month and a half-ish, something like that. Um basically I was talking to my doctor about it or my weight loss nurses, and they said how um they think it's at the point that I just needed to double up my dose. And in order to do that, it was gonna cost me$300 a month instead of because I pay per like packet or whatever. And that's with coverage. Like that's not even with out of like just paying for the medication out of pocket. That's with some coverage. Um, so I talked to them, I panicked about it. I sent them an email asking them questions on things because they said that they were going to send me something and then it didn't send. Um, so I was like, hey, what's going on with this? Didn't hear back. I said, Hey, just following up with this, didn't hear back. They finally replied a couple days later and was like, sorry, I am looking into it. I'll get back to you. And then they didn't get back to me. So then by the time I was getting into my next appointment, I basically broke down crying because the main reason being it wasn't, it's not fair that people who are struggling are paying so much money. And like I get it because it's such a cosmetic thing, but there's still so many insurance places that aren't going to cover it because weight loss is just a cosmetic thing. I don't understand how doctors can be like, oh, this is your problem. You just need to lose weight. But at the same time, companies take weight loss as a cosmetic thing. How is weight loss a solution to so many problems that people are having? But at the same time, you can't be offered a solution. It doesn't make sense to me. And for people to just be like, oh, you just need to lose weight, and then to say that it's you just need to eat less and move more, like we should know that it's been how long now that's not it. There's so much more to that. There's a huge mental side to it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, like how are people like of average size that think that way not looking at someone like like how can you look at me and go, okay, like why am I like this and you're not? Well, because you eat more. Okay, well, but why do I eat more? Well, you have no self-control. Why do I have no self-control? Like, keep asking the questions. The answer is not, I don't have self-control. Why do I not have self-control?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's such a good point.
SPEAKER_02:Is it the medication I'm on? Is it because I have a mental issue? Is it is it the environment I am? Is it in stress? Is it because I had to have uh low access to nutritious food? Like there's so many, there's so many factors to it. It's like we're not fat because we were like, what can I do to make my life a little harder? Like no one has ever done that. And honestly, our lives are already hard. All that they're doing, those people that think that way, are you're just making our lives harder. And then that's going to have an effect on our mental health. It's a vicious cycle.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and I just think of the other thing.
SPEAKER_02:And I'm like, I think that's why I got a little.
SPEAKER_00:It just makes me think of like the opposite side of the spectrum where people are like they say somebody who is really skinny, they say they need to get some help. But then on our side, it's just eat less, move more. There's no help, it's just you just need to lose weight. And it's like that since you're born. Like, as soon as you are an obese child, it's you need to lose weight. Nobody has ever told me how I'm supposed to look in quotations or how much I'm supposed to weigh, or they all go off of BMI and they say, Oh, your BMI is high and we need to bring it down. And then there's like a gauge or whatever. But like, even doctors now are saying, no, we're not going to use BMI because it's garbage, but they still don't have a gauge on how you're supposed to be. It's just, you just need to lose weight. You just need to lose weight. And it's like, but when do I stop? When do I know where I should be? You know what I mean? And even when I do like my uh blood work and everything, it's like things still look healthy, but I still don't feel healthy. You know what I mean? Especially I stopped taking the saxenda. And especially during pumpkin spice season, like everything plummeted. Like it just felt like things went back to how things used to be. Like I was the calories, I know that it wasn't all fat. I get that, but I'm not gonna sit here and say that I didn't gain any fat back because there was definitely many days where I was eating well above my maintenance calories. And I know it. Like I'm I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I just gained water weight or I just gained floating or whatever. I know there is fat in there. It's not all fat, but I know there is some in there. You know what I mean? And I stepped on the scale this week and it was at 301. And that is the first time I've been in the 300s since the start of this year when I left the 300s, and it was just frustrating. And I want to say it was an eye-opener, but I filled an entire bowl of candy bar wrappers from Harper's Halloween candy today while I was working. Like it's just you're just snacking. And I did start. Um, so one thing with my doctor is they've switched me from Saxenda to We uh WeGovi, which they are discontinuing Saxenda that has now reached that clinic. So they needed to switch me to a new medication, anyways. So now I've started WeGovi, which I will say I like the fact that it's one dose a week. I'm not a daily dose.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I wonder why sexenda is like that. I couldn't do the whole reason I was so scared about ever being a type one, sorry to take over, but like was that pricking yourself every day. And I was like, Oh, at least it was empicks once a week. But when I heard Sixenda was every day, I'm like, what the heck?
SPEAKER_00:No, that's why when I dealt with my gestational diabetes, I paid for the patch to track my blood sugars because I had to prick my fingers if I didn't 10 times a day. And it's like I'm not doing that every day for the next three months.
SPEAKER_02:Like, yeah, I actually have that. I have two of those monitors in here, but my mom has a continuous, but I just don't feel like I need it. But then I'm actually really worried once bariatric surgery happens. Sorry, there's just so much information about it. One day I'll dedicate an entire episode to all the fears that I have regarding bariatric surgery because it's we should do a whole episode of what like your process is and what you're gonna be doing and your plans and when is it, blah, blah, blah. I also think it would be great to have um a guest come back, someone that we've had before that's had bariatric bariatric surgery, but I'll have to ask him uh just because then maybe I can run some fears past him. Last on the waiting room.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I am down for that. Um, so yeah, I started WeGovi this week. Um while I think it's working, it's also my time of the month. Like I'm just starting it right now. So I have a feeling that's also kind of affecting the the snackage because Saxenda was the same way. Like when that was happening, I I just ate everything. Um, so I'm hoping after this week I will get the full feeling of what it's like.
SPEAKER_02:But yeah, yeah. On similar note, I'm actually gonna ask my doctor to go back in my milligrams on Ozempic because now that I'm taking a medic. Oh, I actually don't think I talked about it on here. I don't remember, but I'm taking Vivance now to help with the binge eating disorder, also with ADHD symptoms. Um, and holy crap, it makes you forget that food exists. Uh, I thought Ozempic shut off food noise. I don't think about food anymore. I don't think about it in a loving way anymore. I don't care. And it's weird. Um, so I just feel like as long as my blood sugars stay stable, I would like to go back on my milligrams so that I can get rid of because I still have nausea once in a while. Like this morning, it was all I did was get up and start doing dishes, and all of a sudden the dizzy, and then I sweat, and then I wanted to vomit. It just it's a constant struggle. But hopefully I can talk to him and maybe put that down now that I'm on this new one. Um, yeah. Also, I I think I discussed it on the episode that we didn't release. Sorry, everyone, there's an episode that we didn't release. Uh, but I was talking about being on another medication that was supposed to be like a mood stabilizer. Um, I've actually taken been taken off of that now because the side effects were so bad. Like insomnia, and I actually had every single side effect, and they some of them slowly went away, but not all of them. So uh I decided that uh it was like a mood stabilizer. So I was like, my mood's fine. It's worse now. So uh I'm off that and just on the one med. But you know, it's a constant, it's gonna be a constant battle because unfortunately, some of the meds that my doctor wants to put me on, they will cause weight gain. I'm like, I do not need that problem. I'm good. So uh keep just wish me luck, everyone. That hopefully I can find something that works. But so far this one's really working for the binge eating disorder.
SPEAKER_00:That's good.
SPEAKER_02:Uh, on another note, another thing that Lisa and I really want to do is we want to watch that biggest loser documentary that came out a couple months ago, and we've been meaning to watch it so we can talk about it. Um, I don't know if any of you out there have been have watched it or anything, but if you have, let us know. Like send us an email about what you think about it, and then like we'll read it after we watch it and include it. Um, also, do you know what I realized last night? It's it's November 12th, and so normally we would do a wrap-up episode coming up eventually. I don't think we ever sent our goals and wishes at the end of the beginning of the year.
SPEAKER_00:Did we not? I actually I was just thinking of that yesterday, but like because I was looking in my notes, and usually I write it on a piece of paper as well as send it in the email, and I didn't have anything as a piece of paper.
SPEAKER_02:January 2024 was the last time we sent the emails in, so we did not do it this year.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god. No wonder why this year has been such a wreck for us. We didn't have any structure.
SPEAKER_02:I think that in our first couple episodes, we might have even been talking about it, and we're like, don't forget we gotta do that, and then we just we're like, oh well, because then I started thinking about what would my ones be for next year? And I'm like, well, top one, don't die goals for 2026, no death from myself. Yeah, so um, we'll have to think about something for a closing episode, maybe like things that we think that we wanted to do this year, because I'm sure we posted a TikTok or something about it.
SPEAKER_00:Man, I don't even think I did that. Looking back on it, I don't think I planned anything for this year. I think last year I feel like I did really well last year, and this year I was like, it's fine. And now, you know what? Looking back on the year, I feel like, damn, what was this year?
SPEAKER_02:Um, I do remember you and I saying that this year was gonna be a year that we were gonna take it a little more seriously, and honestly, I really believe that you have. And I know that we're always very self-critical, but you definitely stepped up this year, and like I think you really need to pat yourself on the back for that.
SPEAKER_00:Um I feel like I didn't, but I probably feel that way just because of the last month.
SPEAKER_02:I think so too, because you were killing it, and you know you were killing it. Yeah, uh, I went backwards and I went, I miss my highest weight.
SPEAKER_00:I but weight aside, like I think you really tackled the mental side of things like so well this year.
SPEAKER_02:Like, oh well, thank you. Like, I was actually just gonna say I tackled it. Like it's it's been rough. Like, uh I'm I'm just gonna be honest right now. Like, I just left therapy. Um, like I abruptly left therapy 20 minutes into it. So I had a very bad day today. I called my cousin right after and discussed it with her, and like it, it, it helped. Um, but it's been a year now, just actually over a year of being in therapy. And that's why I haven't been on TikTok that much and any social media or much of the podcast, because it's been really freaking hard dealing with it, and I'm still dealing with it, and I'm nowhere close.
SPEAKER_00:Sorry, just one sec. What's the matter? Okay, so what I was going to say was from the start of when we first, and I think I've said this before, how when we first started recording and you were like, I don't do counseling, I don't do therapy, it's not for me to where you are now is so different.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you. I appreciate that because I tend to focus on the negative. Like, um, I know some people listen to this podcast that will know exactly what I'm talking about as well. But I've been a really bad friend for like a year, maybe longer. Um, but like not even talking to people, like I've stopped caring to like text them at all. I canceled, don't want to hang out, and I just feel really guilty. And like I don't know where to go from here. Like, I really want to reach out to some people, but then I just feel awful at the kind of friend I've been because it's it's not like me, like that's not who I am. I am the good friend, I am the person that remembers everything. I will make you feel sp like I'm not trying to sound egotistical right now, but I will make you feel special like all the time because friendship's really important to me, and now I'm just not that person anymore. It's so weird because like it's hard to really discuss. Um, I've always been the person that cares about everybody's happiness except my own. I need to make everyone feel special. I may not be, I could barely even know you, I'll throw you a surprise party. Like, I just love making people feel special. And then I realized, like, I talked to Lisa on the non-released episode. One of the things I talked about was that I just have never really felt special to friends. Um, that friends never really cared about me because I was the friend that just did things for people. So it's like you could depend on me to do stuff for you, but you don't have to put much effort into me. And I just realized that it's like I built that though. Like I always said, I don't need anything. Like, I don't need your help. I don't like it when people spend money on me, buy me gifts. You don't have to spend money on your bike. I'm just saying, like, all the the random things. Like, I just I've just always been like, I'm good. And now I realize that I'm not good because it's like part of my mental condition is making sure everyone around me is okay, and because I don't want people to leave me. And I never knew that. I didn't know that that's what I was going through, and it's really sad to talk about. I'm gonna try and not cry. Uh God, I'm such a chandler. Like, I have to make a joke so I don't get too emotional. Um defense mechanism. And yeah, it's just it's really hard because like I also am struggling with the fact that I don't truly know who I am, I don't know who I want to be, and I don't have um a sense of self. Like, I I know I'm a good person, and that's that's it. Um anyway, uh it's I just feel like a bad friend, and I'm hoping to eventually mend some bridges. I'm hoping to be able to get back out into the wild one day and not be uh such a homebody. I'm just struggling still. And I thought that it would be better after a year, but then I realized that after a year of therapy, like it I'm still at the beginning. Like I've taken a half a step, and it's there's like a hundred in front of me.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like it's one of those things where we we think it's it'll be fixed and things will be good and we'll just move forward, but it's like it took us like using me as an example, it took us 30 years to get to where we are. It's not gonna take uh a year to just make it better. I don't think of it as a how you're describing how you treat other people. Uh, the first thing that I'm thinking of is a people pleaser. I think you said ego t egotistical. In fact, I think you also tripped over the word because I was tripping over the word. Um, but I don't see it as I didn't take it as that. I took it as like just being a people pleaser. And I think I took it that way because I know that's something that I've had to overcome myself is constantly giving to other people. My feelings don't matter because you don't want to hurt this person. My feelings don't matter because you don't want to hurt this person. I honestly look back on like my stuff, and and that's actually something I've also seen a lot on TikTok and Instagram that's common with um binge eating is that idea of always wanting to be a people pleaser. I don't know why those two connect, but that is something that I've seen on multiple different pages. Um, but that is something that I've always dealt with as well as the like you're always told uh don't do drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't do these things, all these things are bad. So you try not to do these things, but then you start going to food and not realizing that you've gone to food to cope. And like nobody says, hey, food, food can be a bad thing. People say you need to eat, people say don't starve yourself, but nobody says don't turn to food to cope. And if you think about it, when it comes to food, like we use food for celebration, we use food for like, oh, you're having a bad day. I'm just gonna get my favorite takeout. Oh, you're having a you just broke up with somebody. The cliche thing is to eat a tub of ice cream. Like, you know what I mean? Like food has always been been a celebration or a coping mechanism. So the idea of it being something that people are addicted to isn't something that crossed people's mind. Anyways, I just think people pleasing is is more of a common thing. But yeah, so I don't take it as an egotistical thing at all.
SPEAKER_02:Do you know what I'm going to do?
SPEAKER_00:Maybe.
SPEAKER_02:I'm just going to say it because I feel that the people that listen to those podcasts are people that are closer to us and I don't see people like reposting this all over social media to out me in some sort of a way because like that would be crazy to do. Um but I'm just going to say it I have borderline personality disorder and like it's really hard saying that out loud because if you actually look it up there's so many different aspects of borderline personality disorder. Some people get scared of it because it can be med with met with intense feelings, intense anger and stuff like that. And um the thing I need everyone to understand though is that it presents differently in everyone. There's nine different markers and you have to hit at least I think five of them and like it can present differently to like if Lisa had it it could present differently to her and to me and we could act completely different. The reason I'm saying that is because people pleasing I actually just googled it so that I could tell you because I don't know how to put it into my own words but it actually says people pleasing and borderline personality stems from a fear of abandonment and an unstable sense of self leading to behaviors like agreeing to do things one doesn't want to do which I do all the time a constant need for approval. I hate it when people don't like me for no reason it's been since I was a kid I don't like oh God it's I will do anything to make that person like me. Not anymore not for the past like 10 years at least but like I used to do that a lot and then I realized I'm tired. So I actually started healing myself before I even knew um a conflict avoidance and conflict avoidance to keep others from leaving um this behavior is often driven by an intense fear of rejection or a desperate longing for others to provide a stable sense of self-worth. And it's the reason I'm just bringing it up is because like I I I had no idea but then I realized like a lot of the people around me always left. And not necessarily like left me it could just be like left the city but then it's like I know that them leaving we're going to lose contact you know and then I ended up moving to transient places where you're constantly becoming friends with people and then they're gone. And it's like so it's like when I was living out in Banff I was torturing myself and not even knowing it. And seeing all the things that I put myself through I realized I was actually like I've been making it worse even though I've calmed down so much as I've gotten older. They've said the older you get the more you've calmed down just because you learn or like you've you're shutting down or something you know and it's um sorry I just I feel like I'm not gonna say like please remind me I'm not gonna say that I don't want to post this because like I just think it's like what's the point in hiding it's a part of me it's not who I am and now that I'm healing myself I can see more of a light and there's no cure. Like I'm gonna have BPD forever but it's just like I feel like people listening to me talk about my past and stuff would probably just know it. If they knew at borderline personality disorder they just know it because when I've talked to even friends about like my past or things that have happened the looks on their face of horror and I'm like wait this isn't normal like everyone didn't go through this and it's it's crazy to like see things that like I I guess essentially I've survived in my life and didn't know that I was surviving. I just thought it was something we all go through or you know and like that's where it comes like suck it up buttercup. Like that's what I've always said to myself why is it that I'm not falling apart suck it up life goes on we have to keep going and I've seen people around me heal and they're like you don't have to keep going you can be not okay you know and it's like wait what and then I allowed myself to not be okay and unfortunately I went really far down and broke off a lot of friendships like ghosted and just stopped and I've just I because I just don't want I just don't want to be wanted anymore you know but I do the weird thing is like I do but I don't I just want to I want to be wanted in a good way like I want to be wanted because you want to be friends with me because I bring something positive to your life that isn't like financial or just because I'm your shoulder to cry on or just because I will always do things for you or be there it's because you actually fucking like me. You know like I have a good personality and you want to be near me. And I also realize like now after knowing that I have BPD and all the fucking spirals I went down on social media when people were mean to me I'm like makes sense like I went into social media going people are going to be mean to you you have to be ready and I was ready but I didn't know who I was I didn't know how I would react and it was so new and I was like it's just that it's not like for people to understand it wasn't just someone was aggravating me online and I was posting a a retaliation because like I was doing that and then joking with people in the comments like yeah what a what an overreaction of them right and I'm sitting at home fuming like everything stops everyone listen to this like like Rams like this person said this and can you believe this? And I will be talking about it for two days. I will be messaging Lisa and talking about it and Lisa do you think this was a good reaction like like oh my God the mental work and also I'm really sorry about all those times like I feel like we used to do that you're she's shaking her head right now. Yeah but it's like I feel like we used to do that a lot for each other like whenever times Chris would be like do you think I overreacted to this and I'll be like what the why did this and then there were times before I even would react I'm like how do you take this Lisa because then I realized like I'm taking these things so sideways like just please tell me to walk away from this and like Lisa would be like I wouldn't bother and I'm like okay I'm gonna channel Lisa in this I wouldn't bother and just block them. Uh I feel like there were times that I said light them up because there were some that deserved it but you know I am getting better with that but also not really posting on social media anymore because I'm aware that my mental health can't take it right now and that's why I've gone more into like the food aesthetic kind of videos and whatnot. However I have decided that I'm gonna continue on YouTube um because I'm gonna document everything there is to document about bariatric surgery but I'm gonna enlist Rams probably to respond to comments unless they're like from people I know um I'm gonna be like send me those nice ones and I'll respond to those or something because like YouTube can be vicious and uh I don't I don't want to have a repeat or anything but I do want to document the start to finish of bariatric surgery. Yeah yeah do you want to know what happened to me at the podiatrist the other day yes I it's not funny I'm laughing so I've I've set that up for you to laugh okay it just felt like out of left field that's all sorry I just remembered and I was like I'm I'm just it's it has to do with the medical world and fat people and like I told you and probably this podcast before that I really love my podiatrist because he's done everything except blame it on my weight right away. And I'm dealing with an issue now that it might be like a tear or something in my tendon which is like masking as my plantar fasciitis as well but it's like the plantar fasciatis pain and this and it's like stripping across my ankle like right where you bend when you're going forward walking like I can't do that anymore and like the pain under my ankle so like I'm I have this lotion I have to wear an ankle brace constantly now. Um and I just kind of had this moment where it was so quiet in there for a couple minutes and I said am I crushing my foot with my weight and like at that point like I feel like you could maybe tell that someone's hanging like not okay. And he had his head down because he was writing and he just kind of nodded and said yeah and I was like okay and like I teared up a little bit and then like it really didn't hit me that much but I was like yeah I'm crushing my foot with my weight like this is your problem like you did this to yourself. And then when I went to physio three days later so I had spent three days thinking about that I was in physio and I said you know like this is what's happening and I went to go see the podiatrist and I'm like I'm gonna tell you this and I'm like and I'm gonna try and not cry and then I said it to I could barely get it out because I was sobbing and then he said okay but like if you are crushing your foot with your weight then why is your right foot okay and I'm like I didn't even like think about that like when I'm like and I'm like yeah like if I'm really if my weight's so bad and I'm crushing my feet like why is it only one foot and it was like it took that moment for him to just kind of like slap me back into reality to be like yeah maybe your weight will help but he's like skinny people have plantar fasciitis skinny people hurt their tendons it's like it's not it's it's not your weight necessarily but your weight can help improve these issues like your plantar fasciitis flaring up might not flare up as much you know what if you've lost some weight so I don't know what to think about my podiatrist now because it's like he really like I get it I get I get that my weight's an issue but it's like to for me to have said that and for him not to have been like hey like I think okay it's not talking off the ledge like moment but like hey I gotta talk her off the ledge kind of thing like is what I'm trying to say yeah anyway I fucking hate the medical um I hate I hate medicine I hate the healthcare system I hate it all fuck man I should just become a doctor it's not hard right come on I'm kidding to all medical professionals listening are you going to make that sourdough free cranberry pull apart yeah I I do want to make it but I didn't realize I thought it was like you baking it in the bread but it's after the bread yeah no you make the bread and then you cut it and then stuff the stuff yeah I definitely want stuff the bread and then it becomes like the pull apart.
SPEAKER_00:I'm gonna make it but I'm not gonna have your sourdough which makes me sad.
SPEAKER_02:I actually have to um reactivate my sourdough from the fridge because I have dropped two different jars of my already active sourdough so I don't know what's going on. Oh my gosh. I'm obsessed with making sourdough.
SPEAKER_00:If you happen to end up on a plane and end up over here for New Year's and want to make me a sourdough loaf with stuffed with cranberry and brie like I'm not gonna complain about it.
SPEAKER_02:I wonder if I can do same day shipping to you.
SPEAKER_00:Bake it put it in there. Oh my gosh that'd be awesome I still want to send you cookies this year because I wanted to do it last year and then didn't have the chance to send them so I'm hoping I'll be able to send you some cookies this year. Ooh a holiday hamper I yeah I had to look behind me just now because something is behind me but I'm blocking it and I was like well the good news if you've moved I haven't seen it and you're recording not me so I can't go back and see it.
SPEAKER_02:So lovely it's all good.
SPEAKER_00:It's okay I already know what I'm getting you for Christmas this year.
SPEAKER_02:Um that was an unexpected heavy moment. I actually really did not expect myself to um admit that I've always said that I wasn't going to but I just feel like it's not something I should be embarrassed by agreed. It's just but it's hard because people have their own perceptions of certain things and especially if someone's been with someone that has borderline personality um because it presents differently in everyone like the one thing that it is said about it it's very hard to maintain relationships. And I mean I will say that it's I'm sure Rams well I mean it's not easy living with him either but like I'm sure it's not easy living with me. But like it worries me because people that have had negative um like negative uh situations with people with BPD it really it can make them stand off ish you know and it's like okay but like I've never like Rams and I have you know like I've had meltdowns but like those meltdowns have never been like in public to a stranger to like friends like I don't know because like I I'm aware of that little bit of embarrassment. However when I was a teenager in early 20s no and now I realize how why alcohol was such a problem with me and why I couldn't regulate my emotions when I was drinking um it was chaotic and it was not a fun time. Because people used to think I was a fun drunk and then and then it was like okay but then I'm one drink away from not being fun anymore and I'm gonna have that drink. So just just realizing a lot of the things in my life that didn't have to be the way that they are um if I hadn't known but you know it's like whatever I can't go back in time now. I just can go forward and try and just work on my mental health. Anyway well I can't wait to hear the next update I'm sure we'll record again soon because we are getting to the end of the year so we'll probably only expect probably a less than a handful of episodes until the end of the year probably like maybe three.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah we'll probably get this one and we're in mid-November so probably one more maybe another one after that life is gonna get hectic right now because we're entering prime holiday season.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah I'm sure all of your lives are busy but um and then we'll be back in the new year because yeah we're gonna figure out a new way to record this we just have to make it a little bit honestly a little bit more inexpensive for ourselves because like we've told you guys before we're paying for this to keep going and it's just uh paying for it to not record. Uh so we'll just figure out some stuff along the way.
SPEAKER_00:But yeah. Thanks for listening Thanks Bye and say Yay This is the waiting room